August 25th, 2009


Such Sadness & Such Loneliness

Well somebody paid for the Stardust dress. Good for me financially, but terribly sad for me personally. I so wanted a copy of it in my size.

And that makes me think of a certain person from TX & all the promises he made then broke. Even now the things I trusted him with I will most likely never see again. It makes me even more sad. I did so much for him before the tragedy & even more after it and all I ever got in return were words and empty promises.

Nobody but myself to blame. How many times have I done the same thing? Trusting blindly in the belief that when I do good things for other people that they'll do good things in return. Like keeping promises. I wonder if I'll ever see my clothes or fabric or any of it ever again. I believed in him. In our friendship. It hurts. A lot.

I don't know what hurts more...the lies about his love for me or the feeling in my chest that I never learn. The way he kept me believing he would get here as fast as he could as days turned into weeks turned into months until six months after his original promised visit I faced the fact that he never would come to help me.

Finding it difficult not to beat up even more on myself about all of it. See, I loved him. Not sexually, but with the purity of everything I thought he deserved. I trusted him. I counted on him. I thought our lives would intertwine and I would give him the business help I thrive in sharing with the truly talented and he would give me the support I so desperately need to try and keep going through this hell I'm in.

Joey & Jason have given me much more than I deserved or dreamed they would. And even my husband, with all his asininity has given me more to trust in. I still love him. I still am in love with him, even. But he's driving me nuts with his behavior. Just once I would like to have him sit next to me and put his arms around me. Not to just comfort me, mind you, but because he needs to feel that anchor that keeps us solid through all the bad as well as the good.

I just don't know anymore who to trust and who to lock out of my life's inner core. That's part of why I left the main social networking sites outside of Twitter and LJ. I feel isolated by my constant pain and nausea. I feel saddened by my recognition that modeling is no longer something I can do, even playfully. So each piece of clothing I sell helps pay my medical debts and helps buy food...and takes me further away from my creative outlets.

At 7 am I'm finally starting to fade. So I'll make this private for now.

After sleeping a bit and re-reading it I just took out two names and kept the rest as I originally wrote it. It hides no truth and tells no lies.

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  • 17:38 Looking at an image from Roger Ebert's "The Great Movies II" I had this phrase strike me: "I was Annie Hall & Kurt was Woody Allen." Truth. #
  • 17:41 In more & more pain each day & having problems not only coping w/the pain & nausea, but also eating, drinking any liquids, & surviving it. #
  • 17:48 I run out of my steroids tomorrow. Having these nasty pills be one of several keeping me alive yet gone strikes in me a fear I can't escape. #
  • 17:51 I run out of my opioid patches in three days, my medicinal food tonight, my steroids tomorrow. With my pain & nausea I just want comforting. #
  • 17:53 If Twitter acts as a social networking shorthand/footnote creator for our lives, it works well. Everything about my life NOW clearly stated. #
  • 17:57 Of course it means leaving out history at times. My love affairs, the raves thrown, the adventures had, the people met, & my real happiness. #
  • 21:30 - I'm selling off my clothes & have finally started with the first post in the corset community on LJ. Please help? RT? #
  • 21:32 @languid : I'm glad you enjoyed my "side boob" show.. *Grin* Are you a nudist too? Both @slauriat & myself are when we have a good place. #
  • 21:34 @modelnicotine : Ask me & @slauriat for assistance since we can both help you find a good inexpensive one to replace the one you have. HUG #
  • 21:37 RT @NeweggHotDeals: Hot Deal! We are still offering $20 off any order of $200 or more when using PayPal. Hurry, funds are almost depleted! #
  • 22:59 Sadly it looks as though my Lamia dress has sold. Now to sell everything else so my hospital bills can be paid & not go to collections. Sigh #
  • 23:45 I haven't even started photographing or listing most of my Lip Service & I already have requests for them. *Meep* This sucks. Good & bad. #
  • 00:17 @bridgetvoid : Trust me, I know! That's why Shawn drove to the city my Endocrinologist has his office in to pick up the prescription ASAP! #
  • 00:17 @bridgetvoid : I was terribly afraid after what happened last time. I'm basically living fairly similarly as to how I did in the hospital. #
  • 00:19 Friends in the Bay Area - if you want to help me out & can I could use help getting photos together of my clothes I'm selling. Model for me? #
  • 00:24 Another way friends in the Bay Area can help me if possible, w/careful scheduling taking me to doctor appointments would help a LOT. *Grin* #
  • 00:28 @bridgetvoid : Trust me, this I know. It tossed me in the hospital after the second relapse; the first one being last August when it hit. #
  • 02:45 Having problems using FTP to get my huge amount of photos of clothes I'm selling to work with the two sites I need it to work with. Argh! #
  • 05:23 In pain. Lots of exhaustion. But I have posted my for sure for sale corsets, corset gowns, and waist cinchers. Tomorrow I'll start the rest. #
  • 05:27 To everybody who said they wished they could help me if I only lived closer: Please RT/re-post my sale link &/or find something you want? XO #
  • 05:30 Also, if you live in Austin & either need a place to live or know somebody who does, we have a huge house that needs love, care & watering. #
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