November 17th, 2011

Muppetsexual, Muppets

Fancy This...Illness Kicks My Ass.

I find myself in the midst of an attack as bad as any. Normal illness has developed into about as bad as one I've ever had, excepting that I'm only retching occasionally but standing or sitting up causes such dizzy extremes I find it frightening to try, yet I know I must. Saltines with a touch of butter and ice water are mainly my diet since yesterday evening.

I'm trying to keep myself from allowing this to continue to frighten me, but the inability to eat, coupled with migraines and dizzy spells that are sending electric prickliness shooting throughout my entire body (which is a new and highly unexpected symptom) has me curled up and unsure of what to do.

If my normal attack of vomiting was occurring the hospital would most likely be my immediate next step so my doctors could once again attempt to figure what the hell is going on while having me under eyes 24-7. But with the lack of actual loss due to my body's wonderful love of self emetic action somehow not acting normally I'm instead trapped in a situation that I've no idea how to help myself.

Thought I had started to get better lately. Reading Jane Austen's letters I came to one of her last ones where she writes of feeling healthier and the editor of the collection notes that the authoress apparently had become fooled by those remissions, sometimes sadly short lived, that can occur to those sick with internal illnesses. How apropos and how melancholy such little snippets can turn out.

Feel that an apology to Will would not be amiss. He does seriously try and if he acts inappropriately regarding my health, that is to be expected upon occasion and should find me full of understanding and, if necessary, forgiveness. I know he tries to be a good roommate and also a good assistant and if I don't know what to do and am full of fear why should I expect more from him? (He just woke from a short nap so I did apologize).

The Unusual Happens ... Unusually.

Fought the dizzy spell in order to gain a potty break and checked my temperature twice. One times each with my two electronic thermometers and lo-and-behold for once I'm running a low grade fever. Normally 97.4 even during times it should elevate. Today showed me between 99.2 and 99.7 and the dizzy spells and nausea and pain and cold/hot sweats.

What to do? My thumb still hurts like a bitch. Sharp stabbing pain around the central joint. Can't sit up without adverse affects. The worsening of my symptoms has me at a loss. No idea at all of what to do. Which doctor should I call? What is wrong and why does everything seem to conspire against my very real attempts to regain my health?

Introspection: Trying my damnedest to live like a normal person. But exercise tends to increase the problems instead of reducing. My attempts to aid in the organization and clearing up of the items I have in order to have an apartment I feel proud of, instead of one that I constantly apologize for due to the papers and toys and detritus needing me to sort through them.

Will I need to go to a hospital again? Do I know of anybody who wants to come help me for the three weeks mid-December that Will is going away to assist a friend and earn cold-hard-cash? Dr. Linfoot has said point-blank that I need the aid and without it I run a real risk of doing damage to myself. He considers the time between Will and Erica (but especially between psycho girl and Will) to have hurt me.

Will's trying to do things and file paperwork that will get him food stamps and me possibly get Medi-Cal, food stamps, and pay for whomever cares for me. In this case it would mean Will could care for me AND focus on his art. It would really help us both. But right now? If Dignitas pulled up and rang my doorbell and offered me the surcease I've begged for this very hour - to allow me to double check my will - would I?

Only a person unaware of what I'm living through and suffering would think I would say no. I would fix my will with a quick codicil and call a few to leave a loving farewell before preparing to drink their cocktail or use a needle to inject their doctor assisted goodbye liquid.

Love given freely from a person such as myself apparently is frightening to some. Why? Because who wants to give their heart to somebody that may disappear due to sickness, whether it is cancer or AIDS or MS or complications due to a mix of health issues? Who can really handle this? Not a hell of a lot. Can YOU? Come watch things with me? Not stress about my wheezing and coughing so hard my muscles spasm?

I could use a hug. A gentle hug as we sit surrounded by beloved pets perhaps? Gentle everything right now; I'm so tired of hurting...