November 21st, 2011

Conspiracy!

Every Night Becomes More Bonding

The four never leave me alone, and by this time (around 11pm) they settle down around me. After Will takes the dogs out for their last walk they immediately run up their pet stairs and FP climbs between her pet blankies. They still have their walk to do tonight but all four are sleeping now. Petal lays by my left side; FP sleeps by my left foot; Ein's on my right foot; Lolita sleeps curled on my body pillow that's on my right side.

It changes, the places where they sleep. But it's always with me at night. If the cats do go romping up and down the hallway at night, it's only to have them return.

I did the right thing when I adopted Precious Petal. Yes, I rescued a black (she's not quite a tuxedo, even though she does have a bunch of white contrasting) cat - they're the most often put to sleep due to superstition. I've had rescuers in different states tell me this and thus Lolita, Princess of Goth and now Petal. Anyway. I did the correct action when I did accept Petal instead of the Russian Blue. She has eased the ache of losing Purrbarella not just for me. Lolita has taken to playing with her. Petal gets along with both Femme Pois and Zweite Ein and not just Lolita.

Lolita just woke up and started licking Ein who got fed up and just twisted herself around so Lolita couldn't get to her ears. Very funny. But it's indicative of the lack of cat/dog problems. They all get along and Petal has helped by her personality of inquisitive friendliness to really make my family of pets fulfill ease some loneliness.

And on a different subject: I'm watching a DVD about Philip Pullman and "His Dark Materials" and the heart inside me breaks so over the ending. My love feels overwhelming and my loss has little relief even with my four separate pets giving theirs unconditional and stable love.

Milton and Blake I need to read again. I can love even with true love gained and lost. FP is snoring. I need to find an aid for three weeks as Will has been asked to housesit for somebody going to pay him that he feels he should do. Anybody have three weeks (or one or two) to come spend (Dec 15-Jan 7) helping me? Will will tell you himself that it's pretty darned easy. He is a very good roommate and also a good helper. Dog walking and doing errands and such. His room is very comfortable and you would have it as a sort of sublet.

It could be a lot of fun. Really!

Conspiracy!

Fear?

I'm about to have a complete and utter nervous breakdown for some reason.

My whole body is reacting to an earlier painful nausea attack. I'm sobbing silently, unable to see through my tears and yawning - both non-stop. I've reached a breaking point that I didn't know was there.

Watching "The Vicar of Dibley" Christmas specials to try to distract myself. The sobbing calms so I'm just crying silently with much less yawning. This is not a good night. Dizzy spell to kick my sad sick ass. I love my friends. I'm so skewed - thinking back over the past few years is enough to explain why my PTSD is raging and the truth is some things are starting to settle down in my life but piled next to the bad there's no doubt a breakdown is due.

The holiday season is rough normally. This year is the year I was divorced. Our first "child" was Purrbarella and she was my nurse cat who kept careful watch over me and her sudden unexplained death happened. I've had many money problems and my insurance was nearly cancelled. My illness has continued to cause a slow but steady worsening of some of the problems. The pain and nausea not only hold sway, but also keep increasing.

An example of recent up-and-down stressors: We had a small recent battle with fleas that we luckily seem to have won. But the battle kicked me around with huge bites all over my legs. For somebody in my condition? Bad, bad, bad.

But Will seems to be working out as my roommate/assistant and is helping me in a myriad of ways. But to finally have found somebody not psychotic or drug-addled or just very incompatible has helped me. He's still learning a lot, but he is good at what he already knows and he is a quick learner. I think he's a good person and a good friend. We aren't friends...but we have enough in common that living together is a plausible pleasure. We are not physically attracted to one another and that is also for the best.

Exhaustion has me in its grasp. The crying has ceased. Writing about these problems acts as an outlet apparently. I'm thinking about the past and I miss Sterling Forest Renn Faire and Ludlow Street Cafe and the streets of Dublin. A good thing? I have those memories to remind me of another me.

My arm fell asleep. So should the rest of me.