December 4th, 2011


I Wish I Had OCD Instead*

* Not really

The room as it appeared with all pets accounted for and my worn out self are the photos attached to this post ... 7am PST on Dec 4, 2011. None of us look our best. ;-)

The insomnia is terrible and means I am awake, in pain, exhausted, and definitely overwhelmed. OCD is treatable because there are triggers for the anxiety that leads to the compulsive behavior. Apparently the hair pulling version feels good and thus doesn't respond well to treatment. But for the most part, because there are specific triggers, once a person learns to control their response to their panic attacks it opens up the world to them again.

There are no triggers for me to the best of my knowledge. My medical issues are at this point pretty well documented and I've had multiple doctors state their opinion of my health and what's wrong. Not a hypochondriac, nor a person even remotely diagnosed with OCD. Apparently quite a lot of it all has a fear of dying as the root cause that can cause a persons OCD to manifest later in life. One woman on the series "Obsessed" had spent I think over $50K in unnecessary tests and appointments.

I've definitely developed one of my Mom's neurotic habits of avoidance. Yes, I'm in massive pain and retching and PTSD and FMS and Addison's and all the rest of the hell I've had. Gaining this huge weight I can't control - which is moderately devastating. All the medications. All the alternative stuff I tried. But I actually have been fighting the avoidance a lot more since Will moved in. Sadly he's not as good as Erica at stopping me from throwing my lower back out - though he does try. I fell off my bed while I was awake and reaching to pick up a DVD that had fallen off...

Plus I've been attempting to do what I can to try and tackle (metaphorically) financial issues and my paper pile that reaches to the sky. Enough babbling.