I _detest_ people staying out of the alleged kindness, especially when I have every reason to believe it's merely a self-serving lie. When I cry out for help it puzzles me the things people think and say and even do that adds to my concern that I'm utterly alone now. On a journey that's fairly solitude-inducing anyhow, it is much more embarrassing and frightening and so forth than people who haven't gone through similar or worse seem to be able to empathetically comprehend.
Rather than continue on like this I would rather no Tom; so I won't have help in an emergency but then his freak out last night completely let me down. Yes, he did beg (I'm not exaggerating) for me to let him stay and he gave me the shot after effectively forcing me to do every single step as I was shaking and retching with myoclonus shakes up to putting the filled needle in his hands. Then I had to clean up the needle for him immediately following the shot. Only then could I lay back down.
Once he comes in to ask I'm telling him I still want him to go ASAP since I would rather continue to the brink of disaster by myself than have him stay any longer. He is another psycho. I don't know if it's my sickness or what, but I'm having a much more difficult time figuring out who is a good con-artist and who is genuine. Definitely made a mistake. I should count myself lucky that each of them only fooled me for a short time so their damage has been real, but (knock on wood) minimal enough that I can rebound after a few weeks at the longest.
Besides Tom's behavior, the worst for me about this holiday season has been the recognition that Shawn has cut me out of his life do completely that if he didn't pay the alimony I would believe he considers me not only no longer in his life even as a friend, but as a dead person no longer to enter his thoughts.
Yes, I know. It's been a while since he left. But I love(d) him and his cutting me so completely out hurts me during this season because it throws into sharp relief all the worst aspects of his behavior toward me, especially the beginning and end of our relationship. Erica has said she thinks he devolved mentally and emotionally back to his teenage years. And I can't argue that point with real belief for the opposing view.
Here comes my yogurt and pill. I've a lot to consider...look at the happy pets, they're much more wonderful to focus on...2012 - if only the 2012 apocalypse types have - even by accident - picked the correct year. It may suck but world destruction (as Lydon and Bambaata sang in the late 80s) is coming. At some very far off point probably. Let SoCal fall off and NorCal and the South East fall in and water cover the North East - and I'm only talking about he USA. According to the believers in apocalyptic ends the whole world will have such things plus the tidal waves and so on.
Start on cute and fluffy loving pets and switch to apocalypses. I'm drained and thoroughly. Have a wonderful and safe and loving 2012 and beyond. And if you can? Help? :-/ (Sigh)