May 17th, 2012


Why Does Nothing Seeming Good Last?

James really and truly fucked up doing my medications for the week. He's now told me at 2am that he can't and won't handle this listed chore after telling me repeatedly he had a license in OH for dispensing pills.

Now I've got to try and do it myself at 2am and now I've got to seriously re-think whether or not this will work. I hate for this to be a deal breaker when I like him personally so very much. But it is listed as a necessary chore, Will managed it for nine months with no pill dispensing license, there's a printout for him to follow, and more that just makes it a serious problem.

I've got to do these pills now and I'm ready to have a nervous breakdown I've been holding off ever since Diane jumped and Will left and, fuck it, honestly since Shawn stopped talking to me. I'm holding in a huge amount of collapse that my back falling apart, my weight jumping to double, my teeth turning black, and so forth just has me ready to follow Diane. I won't. I can't do it that way. No lie but I'm not brave enough. Not even close.

I'm ready to scream but there's nowhere to safely do so. I'm about at the end of my tether. I'm so fucking wrecked and I push it down so nobody can see - this is my only outlet.

Yes I have two others I can respond to that are legitimate. But dammit. This sucks and I need some kind of help coping with it and my therapist doesn't have half the tools necessary that might help.

Screaming "HELP" in my journal is like a fly in a spiders web. Completely unheard by any and all.