August 1st, 2012


Two Weeks, or Less

Chris came over "again" last night. Like Melissa offered before Diane's fatal leap, he's offering to help me out by walking the dogs, running shopping errands, and basically (as he phrased it) help pull up any slack. Between him, Melissa, delivered organic fruits and veggies next Monday, Safeway delivery if necessary, and Shana continuing her job until she leaves I'm not as bad off as I could be.

I did have to borrow money this week in order to make it from now until the 15th. Pet food, cat litter, medications, my food, etc. cause the borrowed funds to be gone before the check even gets here. But it will help me take care of my responsibilities. Apparently low in the priorities of others.

Furious at Shawn for dropping close to everything with me, including his cat who I love but am allergic to. I've written him multiple


Everybody Must Get Stoned

I'm not at this moment listening to Bob Dylan. In fact a person might never come across me listening to him. My Mom and Step-Dad loved listening to him, the Grateful Dead, and other rampant hippie shit I detest to this day. However Fleetwood Mac, Frank Zappa, and various others made up for those detested by me.

So I'm quoting the song, not exclaiming a bizarre hippie belief.

But I'm undergoing the starting tremors of a full blown panic attack with migraine, tears, terror, dismay, and an overwhelming terror at the state of my life.

If my pets are barometers for the need I have for protection, I'm in serious need. Ein sleeps next to me on the bed constantly ever since Shana moved in. Maybe she'd come up during fireworks or storms, but now she's not only on the bed, but she sleeps with her head near mine and her body pressed up against me. Completely new and disconcerting, though appreciated, behavior of protecting me.

She's apparently found an annoying fly and she keeps whipping her head around, yet I've seen and heard naught so far.

You know what? I could use a hug. A big comforting one. More than one, actually. Lots and lots of hugs. Chris has started giving me really good hugs. Daniel needs to get cracking on the visiting front, as does Erica. Maybe Chris, Carl, and I could all attend The Vortex Room's Anniversary shindig tomorrow evening. I think the three of us make the best travel crew for the SF jaunt.

My friend Chip is FINALLY visiting mid-October. There will be many amazing hugs shared that week.

But for this moment I'm undergoing serious panic attack buildup. A neurotic roommate who believes in the occult and admits to knowing people who practice dark or black magic against others and who has a grudge against you can cause stress not because you necessarily believe in it - but the ramifications of practicing such arts against somebody aren't enough to stop certain folks from doing what they can to hurt a trusting and unaware person at perceived slights, oft times magnified in response so if a person believes in it and has it done toward somebody that means they're really throwing a lot of hatred your way since they're effectively saying "Screw the consequences - I don't care if it hits me in the ass I'm that full of hatred toward my 'victim'" etc. etc.

I'm lucky enough that my Ein is between me and the world at almost all times. This is, as I mentioned earlier, strange behavior from Ein. I'm grateful however for the love I feel from Ein and Femme Pois.

The cats are in the living room, chilling by themselves. Shana's been in her room most of the time since she woke up. I wish things could have worked out but as Chris reiterated several times last night it's best to look at it as merely a conflict of personalities and a person with an adrenal insufficiency probably shouldn't be looking after the same, even if worse, because it's hard to maintain and our schedules clashed big time.

I really like Chris. His company is refreshing. Talking to him reminds me of talking to Andrew or Carl. And he's trying to be a good friend because he's a truly good person underneath all his on top persona.

The back porch is beckoning evilly for me to put on one of my sun hats, grab some ice water, put on my prescription sunglasses, and go out and read for a bit on my recliner in the sun. Ooh - a reason to use some of my sunscreen even!

Hugs and visitors very direly desired. I'm worth the effort of a visit, I promise!

And even with my skeptic beliefs I'm holding tight to my anti evil eye from Chip and asking any white light types to go ahead and protect me please? Reiki, 93, Pagan, Faerie (the good kind) - you know who you are. If I could there's a daily Groupon for a $100 tattoo for $50 and I have three ready to go if I could swing the funds.

Ah well. My armor is the love of my sweetlings and my friends. It takes a lot to hate your way through the likes of that positivity!

I'm so weird sometimes.