August 6th, 2012


11pm & in love with Solitude. Perhaps.

These are from last night, Femme Pois elongated, Zweite Ein's stuffed animal body swirled, and my mouth and nose kaleidoscoped.

Shana said tonight my face is really very red for some reason. Worrisome but nothing to do for it. Except continue resting. Keep an eye on it and my other medication reactions, I guess.

To say I'm incredibly depressed would be a massive understatement. The pain's bad enough to just keep me laying in bed with FP and Ein both pressed up against my leg. Without them I'd want to jump. Well, not jump, but perhaps over indulge in my medicines?

I'm stuck in a bad space. The clock said 11pm and now the time has gotten to 12:15am and tears are sort of streaming down my face from the pain and the knowledge I can't keep going on like this.

Huge migraine and utter sadness. Getting close to 1am. The lack of loving contact hits me at such times. Even the love of my sweetlings isn't helping me get through this. What this? 1:15am and Netflix has nothing to distract me from the pain and the fear that never ceasing pain is past, present, future-perfect.

Ein and Femme Pois cuddle and lay in places that protect me when it comes right down to it. Butts against one another and heads facing out so as to defend me.

Sometimes it feels as though my neck is in somebody's hands and it hurts to breathe and with the migraine and the steroid fat on my neck feels like it has a firm hold.

Spoke with Shana about things a little bit. She may end up staying and helping me out until she moves to Los Angeles.

Do I want to find help through Craigslist? No. Will I? Most likely. And on that note I'm off to play a few games before I manage to get sleep. Ouch to my pain. Ouch.


Quickly, Quickly, This Is The Way We End It All...

Tonight was a night of doing things I shouldn't but at least the pain's earned and not just given.

• Made a fresh batch of rice in the cooker

• Baked my mini-Banana Rum Bread (Iced a few w/pre-made cream cheese icing)

• Clipped the deadly claws of Lolita, Princess of Goth (sans assistance)

• Heated dinner and shared 50/50

• Filled pain killer weekly container

• Gave Shana my pain prescription for pharmacy delivery

There's a few more that I'd meant to mention but can't recall. These might not seem like much, especially as they're all low impact, but for people with my conditions this pile of independent movements are my way of trying to not let the sickness have its way all the time. And even something as simple as remembering to give the prescription for drop off was a good thing.

Organic and locally grown veggies and fruit are in a large box sitting on the stairs. I'd love to go through them now but if I make any noise at all it's my bloody and painful death occurring, nobody else's. But I still want to know what I got in this first time shipment.

And I am listening to something very reminiscent of my serious GOA Trance and progressive house blending of the mid-90s. How bizarre.

It reminds me of things and places and people that have left such strong imprints upon and within me.

And with that, night-night. :-)