February 27th, 2013

Conspiracy!

Really? Reality? Yes, I Would!

It's very difficult to explain to those who don't know my history, why exactly I'm up against a wall, feeling beaten by my ex-husband.

For me it feels as though my sickness cost me my husband, our home, security, and so on. My ex was my best friend but he no longer even acknowledges when I catch him acting against our agreement.

An agreement I never should have agreed to based on our mediated agreement being ignored. Half? Ha! 1/3 PLUS I have to pay for my health insurance which means I don't have very much to live on.

The only reason I've survived on this for so long is because I used all my half of the 401k to cover the $600 gap. It's difficult to not get furious at myself for continuing to allow him to walk all over me.

Chip won't move our relationship forward until I've managed to stabilize not only my self, but also the crazies surrounding me. He's too mature and settled to have a crazy lady in his life. Though when I look in the mirror sometimes I can't see why anybody would ever find me attractive again.

Why did people all over stop me to compliment my looks before my weight gain? Does fat really make us so much more ugly than when we're skin and bones? Even starving myself won't help so I'm not turning anorexic. And bulimia? I'm throwing up so much that we're trying to stop me doing it anyway.

Giving up my steroids only makes everything worse. I'd drop them in a heartbeat, if I could without the horrible side effects of an unfulfilling adrenal gland. But it causes me to suffer horribly so I'm stuck.

The title of this post comes from the fact I'd do reality TV if I could make money doing it. Real money for me and donations to assist in research in my multiple illnesses: Addison's Disease, FMS, adrenal failure, etc. Heck, if it went well I'd love to consider either adopting or fostering in my near future. My pain could bring me help in the form of a nanny assisting part-time.

Or maybe the fact I had to lose everything to move to a place that allowed for both a realistic pain alleviation program and for me to utilize medical marijuana would be a good start for a reality show. The premise could follow me as non-quacks try to get my health under control while using the 18 prescriptions and loss of house and husband as the starting base.

And on that note my long, down past my shoulders, hair and I shall read something that can act as a soporific. Nah, I'll read some HP Lovecraft and dream of my beloved successful friends who are living the dream and I'm so happy for. There's a lap and arms waiting to enfold me with love if their help helps me help myself. :-)