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I love Shawn so very much & yet the only way to save our marriage seems to be by my letting go not only physically but also emotionally for a longer time than I feel capable of.

The loss of him near me, even with our separation fills me with conflicting feelings: I feel proud of everything we've accomplished together & want to see us together more - creating together not only music, but a stable & happy home. I also know how much we've both changed. Maybe I should welcome this forced division between us - somebody out there must love slightly overweight older women who used to have a vivid & exciting life until ill health trapped them to a time mostly having to be spent in bed.

I know that Shawn could be a man like that. Erica laughing told me some men LIKE cellulite, but I have reservations as to the truthfulness of that. He fell in love with a dynamic, exciting, full of energy woman. I know just how intensely I've changed as I've become more & more ill.

And we both deserve love. We both deserve unreserved love. I know he has it from me. And he tells me that I have it from him. So a long-term separation has me staring up as if at a huge brick wall. I know it will help financially, but I still feel as though we should be doing this together. My staying here's a necessity for not only my health - though that's the main reason.

Anyway, enough venting about how sad this separation will make me. Next I have to figure out whether or not to fight the system that literally screwed me out of my disability rights (TX lawyer agreed I'm sick & disabled & can't work - she just claims it started after my SS rights ran out by four months). It feels like a futile fight, sadly.

And on a positive note, I have had two local friends offer to help me get to appointments & food shopping; plus I have Erica staying here to care for me & the dogs most of the week. When (if?) @slauriat goes back to our house in TX I just need to find a friend to sleep over & care for me when she can't due to other things like the Vortex Room needs her.

So today I'm resting, tomorrow I see my therapist & hit the dispensary for much needed foods & maybe even a rush visit to Target to fix a few issues. Which reminds me: I need to call them today. Sigh. Etc. *Grin*

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
 
 
 
 
Although I'm unfamiliar with your circumstances there's one thing I can say to you that might help your situation with Shawn. Just because you are not happy with yourselves individually does not mean that you are not happy as a relationship. Unfortunately, when a woman walks into a relationship she forgets her individuality. We (women) view our spouse/ boyfriend as a part of us and that "dynamic, exciting, full of energy woman" becomes a woman who forgets to cater to herself and begins to revolve around him to make him happy. By default we carry a motherly instinct inside of us that always makes sure that he has everything he needs before we even start to think about ourselves. The only problem with that is that with our individuality goes our self esteem, our confidence, and sometimes even our self respect. Once we lose all of this, you're right, we change. Some of us even lose track of our physical appearance. Men on the other hand by nature are pretty good about incorporating the woman they love into their lives, notice I used the word "incorporating". That's the key right there, as women we must learn to incorporate a man into our life, not replace our life with his life. Just as we sacrifice for them they should be able to sacrifice for us.

I think this is a good time for you to begin to remember who you are. Your job is you. You can't help him and yourself, but you can better yourself and in the process he will be motivated. Nothing is more attractive to a man who loves you than a woman who knows herself and surrounds herself with positivity. My suggestion to you is no matter what your issues are right now sit down at one point and right down the positive things you can get out of what you're going through. It will help you look at the glass half full and not half empty.

There is nothing worse for a man than for him to feel that he is not competent enough to take care of you. So if you're going through any financial distress it's probably hurting his heart to know that he can't provide for you the way he would like to. He may just need time to become financially, emotionally, and mentally stable again to be able to offer you anything. Just remember, two people who are not thoroughly happy with their lives have nothing to offer eachother. I'm sure you love him, which is why I challenge you to take this time to improve yourself. Make goals for yourself, set a weight limit and exert all the energy you would have exerted for him in that. I promise you by the time you both figure yourselves out and become stable individuals, you'll be happier than you've ever been before. I also highly recommend that if you're spending a lot of time at home right now, you read the book "The Secret", by Rhonda Byrne or watch the movie. I think it would truly be a blessing if you haven't read it already. Good luck...
Most of my issues have to deal with me becoming severely disabled. It is obvious that you don't know me or my situation, but I want to thank you for considering my LJ worth reading, and for considering that my circumstances might fit your ideas.

My disability has caused a huge amount of the problems we have, not the fact he's a man and I'm a woman. My weight gain is due to steroids that are keeping me alive. I can't lose that weight. It's normal when on steroids and I'm struggling to maintain even with the almost always occurring steroid weight gain.

Cheers!