mollyblack (mollyblack) wrote,

Forcing Myself to Face the Truth

I love Shawn so very much & yet the only way to save our marriage seems to be by my letting go not only physically but also emotionally for a longer time than I feel capable of.

The loss of him near me, even with our separation fills me with conflicting feelings: I feel proud of everything we've accomplished together & want to see us together more - creating together not only music, but a stable & happy home. I also know how much we've both changed. Maybe I should welcome this forced division between us - somebody out there must love slightly overweight older women who used to have a vivid & exciting life until ill health trapped them to a time mostly having to be spent in bed.

I know that Shawn could be a man like that. Erica laughing told me some men LIKE cellulite, but I have reservations as to the truthfulness of that. He fell in love with a dynamic, exciting, full of energy woman. I know just how intensely I've changed as I've become more & more ill.

And we both deserve love. We both deserve unreserved love. I know he has it from me. And he tells me that I have it from him. So a long-term separation has me staring up as if at a huge brick wall. I know it will help financially, but I still feel as though we should be doing this together. My staying here's a necessity for not only my health - though that's the main reason.

Anyway, enough venting about how sad this separation will make me. Next I have to figure out whether or not to fight the system that literally screwed me out of my disability rights (TX lawyer agreed I'm sick & disabled & can't work - she just claims it started after my SS rights ran out by four months). It feels like a futile fight, sadly.

And on a positive note, I have had two local friends offer to help me get to appointments & food shopping; plus I have Erica staying here to care for me & the dogs most of the week. When (if?) @slauriat goes back to our house in TX I just need to find a friend to sleep over & care for me when she can't due to other things like the Vortex Room needs her.

So today I'm resting, tomorrow I see my therapist & hit the dispensary for much needed foods & maybe even a rush visit to Target to fix a few issues. Which reminds me: I need to call them today. Sigh. Etc. *Grin*

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