Well somebody paid for the Stardust dress. Good for me financially, but terribly sad for me personally. I so wanted a copy of it in my size.

And that makes me think of a certain person from TX & all the promises he made then broke. Even now the things I trusted him with I will most likely never see again. It makes me even more sad. I did so much for him before the tragedy & even more after it and all I ever got in return were words and empty promises.

Nobody but myself to blame. How many times have I done the same thing? Trusting blindly in the belief that when I do good things for other people that they'll do good things in return. Like keeping promises. I wonder if I'll ever see my clothes or fabric or any of it ever again. I believed in him. In our friendship. It hurts. A lot.

I don't know what hurts more...the lies about his love for me or the feeling in my chest that I never learn. The way he kept me believing he would get here as fast as he could as days turned into weeks turned into months until six months after his original promised visit I faced the fact that he never would come to help me.

Finding it difficult not to beat up even more on myself about all of it. See, I loved him. Not sexually, but with the purity of everything I thought he deserved. I trusted him. I counted on him. I thought our lives would intertwine and I would give him the business help I thrive in sharing with the truly talented and he would give me the support I so desperately need to try and keep going through this hell I'm in.

Joey & Jason have given me much more than I deserved or dreamed they would. And even my husband, with all his asininity has given me more to trust in. I still love him. I still am in love with him, even. But he's driving me nuts with his behavior. Just once I would like to have him sit next to me and put his arms around me. Not to just comfort me, mind you, but because he needs to feel that anchor that keeps us solid through all the bad as well as the good.

I just don't know anymore who to trust and who to lock out of my life's inner core. That's part of why I left the main social networking sites outside of Twitter and LJ. I feel isolated by my constant pain and nausea. I feel saddened by my recognition that modeling is no longer something I can do, even playfully. So each piece of clothing I sell helps pay my medical debts and helps buy food...and takes me further away from my creative outlets.

At 7 am I'm finally starting to fade. So I'll make this private for now.

After sleeping a bit and re-reading it I just took out two names and kept the rest as I originally wrote it. It hides no truth and tells no lies.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.