mollyblack (mollyblack) wrote,

It Never Seems To End, But I Try To Keep Going

Watching "The Storyteller" done by Jim Henson for most of the night, but just finished and started a movie from the 60s done in the UK entitled "War Games."

Feeling more nauseous, more consistently, and with more consistent stabbing pain. Tears are barely concealable and the agony has my fear of qbeing placed in a hospital again for what will feel like a pointless and humiliating experience.

Oops. Live 360 Gold booted me off so I'm watching a National Geographic special on "Solitary Confinement." Already you can see how the prison system is horribly set up. People bitch about so-called "welfare mothers" but to have a guy who was originally put in for identity theft get put in solitary because of a violent attack on security. It's mentally nauseating.

I have often wondered how horrible it must be. Whether I could stand it. The psychologically evil aspect of it already comes out screaming. One inmate just brought up "Groundhog Day" and the idea of killing yourself every day to escape it hits home even just listening to their voices and the voices of the pro and the con proponents.

That's so much of what disabled people live through. Every day waking up in a small room, barely having communication with the outside world, and on the really bad days there are no visitors, if you can afford it you might have a caregiver around for an hour or two.

Philadelphia Quakers gave rise to the modern penitentiary as well as to solitary confinement. Eastern State was the first. But proof has shown over and over that solitary has "catastrophic" effect on the human psyche.

Over 80,000 people are in solitary on any given day. They can take your art supplies away for cursing them out. Bitter upset inducing a verbal lashout is normal. But six more months in solitary for it? And the narrator just said that the brain processes loneliness in the same place it processes pain. Why does this both surprise me - and not?

I'm trying to rally after two months of fairly
constant emotional trauma with a more than fair amount of physical upset than usually. But I'm so sick of being sick of being sick. My biological drive has warped I think. I'm so miserable. I've tried my hardest and I still don't feel as though the people I try so hard to help even can't give me hope that they're appreciative. I don't want gifts or praise. Like, perhaps an acknowledgment or maybe a thank you.

But I'm starting to recognize my problem of adopting, as it were, passive-aggressive types. Very unhealthy. And I need to cut these types not completely out of my life. I can't. But I can not date them. I should not live with them. Heaven only knows what has caused this draw. I have theories but they can wait.

Too much pain and suffering. It's difficult when you recognize good in a person yet they cause huge emotional agony due to their actions, words, and behaviors.) on that note I'm off as it's 5:30am and no closer to non-nausea or getting my Kinnect set up from my bed where it can't see me properly. Bleagh and all that.

Christie or Michael? I've a pretty good feeling about each one of them. Honestly a very rare feeling at this stage of trying to find a new roommate that hitherto escaped me.


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