It's strange, isn't it, how people cling to life. How they seem to consider it so much better to grow old, ugly and humiliated than to...

To what?

Than to remain young and beautiful forever, untouched by time. Untouched by anything.

Except loneliness.

I'm really loving (still) "Dark Shadows." I'm considering developing a drinking game based on taking a shot every time there's a screw up. A sound coming through. Booms keep dipping into the shot. Shadows and lights move over people's faces. Scrims screw up. And there are tons of tripped over sentences, as well as confused mumblings that are very short and apparently a sort of "uh" pause. You could, with careful watching, defintely commit alcohol poisoning upon the self.

I've nobody to spend Christmas Eve, Christmas, or Boxing Day with. Nobody. Sounds like pathetic whinging from the disabled dumped pathetic self-pitying me. :-P

But it's true that this holiday season is probably going to be the most lonely one I've spent in a very long time. I've got a batch of collections I could watch in a row. Some I've not seen before, like the whole of "The Flight of the Conchords" or a bunch of the Muppets or the whole of PeeWee Herman or finish the Gamera MST3K box set or even submerge my pain and sorrow with the bluray set of "Samurai Champioo" but I won't be watching more "Dark Shadow" as it appears I've reached almost to the end and oh my god...it's in color!!! How did that happen?

Have I reached the end with this episode? It certainly sems that way and why isn't anybody noticing Barnabas' reaction? Oh my gods....they changed the opening montage too. What the hell? Dark Shadows should NEVER have tried the color format. I mean, the women look less attractive and the same with the clothing. Possibly because there was a problem figuring out about the difference with the way color shows up. This is incredibly stupid. The evil bitch woman about to rip apart the poor girl's mind. Really does remind me of bits of "Twin Peaks." Freaking stupid twists for no reason. That are just not realistic. With a few of the actors not getting any better the whole of the time they perform. Very unrealistic behavior. Unconsistent! Well, it sucks so much now that I am feeling "bleagh" about it and I'm only half paying attention. 8-O <-- how did it suddenly become black and white? They only did one in color? Smart move to go back. I hope it's permanent. The girls are so much more beautiful this way. ... Wait, did they go back to color again? They DID@!?@?!!! Aargh.

Things are pretty shitty as far as my roommate situation. Well, for now. Will actually has been incredibly good toward me. He has been checking in with me to make certain I'm ok and reiterates that he'll come back and commute if he has to - if my feeling of being unsafe with Tom either gets worse or gets turned from a feeling to an actuatlity. He's written AND called to let me know that I can call the police if things get really bad. Last night I told him to leave if he was so sure of his better opportunites. Today he asked me what he should do and I told him I wasn't going to throw him out in the street but that as far as I was concerned it was up to him. I meant that I still felt fine with my decision but that effectively his path was his choice. He could continue to behave inappropriately and thus leave, or he could stop his melodrama. He did go to Safeway for me, driving his car, taking my list printed out from Safeway's site. Which, by the way is a great way to put a shopping list together I've decided. Anyway, he gets back and I hear him having a shouting fit. Cursing and almost crying. So I call out and ask him what's the matter and he starts yelling about losing money and he can't afford to lose money and he takes off and then comes back in and says he found my money (just over $50-) and he's calm. He has a serious problem.

Great. The poor little ghost girl is just an arrow shot in her heart and Barnabas is so freaking obvious I can't stand it. The way he talks. The way he asks questions. It's very way too obvious to anybody who has no plot blinders on. Very much not a plot driven thing at this point. So rambling. and ... well, it can get very silly. I suppose that's just a normal soap opera thing.

So I feel as though I'm in a situation that merits me being sort of glad about my insomnia. When I hear Tom walking around at night to go to the bathroom, for instance. He can see me on the computer and knows not to enter my room. But, as Will has noticed, Tom doesn't appear to have a fair amount of self control and thus it's not something I feel I can just laugh off. I've a very hot "hot dog" dog under my legs. Femme Pois is so freaking hot. And she's under my legs. I can see a Petal if I crane my head the right way. And I would have had to do a big shot there. The show would have me drunk this current episode.

What a huge spouting of words. I'll make one more wish before stopping - I wish somebody I know and trust would come and take over for the remainder of the time of Will's job. And I also wish they wouldn't use a very badly done version of hypnosis and people not noticing HUGE GAPING PLOT HOLES all over the place. Ahem. Sorry for the breakdown. Anyway. i wish somebody would come and take care of me for the remainder of Will's temp job that I know and that knows me. And that I could have a friend come over to decorate as much as possible my place for the holidays. Erica did such a wonderful job when we lived together at taking my meager decorations and showing them off to their best advantage. I wish my pets stay healthy for the rest of their long lives. I wish for my health to start improving or at least stabilizing and no longer getting worse. I wish I could lose this extra hundred pounds as easily as I gained it even though I'm having such a problem with water weight ... my body still can't handle all the extra weight. I wish the drugs would work and I have no bad side effects from them. I wish somebody would come into my life and sweep me off my feet and take care of me until the day of my death. A nice house in a wooded area just outside of a city or a large town. A house like I owned with Shawn. Or a house like Arlene and Hideki had. But in a different area. I wish I had things (Listen to the silence -- LOL Barnabas just had a Depeche Mode moment there) that had occured in the past be possible to change. I don't know if I wish both small and large changes, or just, well, the major ones. I wish I had somebody to hold me and adore me and soothe me and that I could adore in return without any physical issue.

I'm in so much pain but I'm laughing out loud at myself watching Barnabas stalking somebody who is in love with somebody else. And there's a ton of things just making me laugh and smirk. Yes. I admit to smirking. I'm hurting. To sleep, perchance to dream and oh please let it ease and the "Hamlet" with David Tennant is absolutely brilliant and I highly recommend it. Again. And again. And again. Why do I feel like I'm hurting so horribly? My chest aches quite a bit. The acting can get quite ... I just realized a recent scene reminded me of the spot in "Love At First Bite" where both the vampire and the current boyfriend meet for the first time and have a weird battle in front of the woman who doesn't have a clue what they're arguing about and it's done nicely...okay, enough.

Just remember this bon mot just received: "Christmas presents traditionally are something the giver wants you to have." I always thought that sentence ended "are something the giver knows you will love." I guess I always thought that gifts should reflect the personality of the person it is given to. Why give a present that is about the giver and not the givee (is that the correct word)? Okay. I've been writing this for a couple hours. Must stop...And if you make it this far? I hope I didn't bore you too much and I love you too.