Lots I could write about but mostly just need to write these thoughts down before I immerse myself in trying to sleep.


I've told Tom that he has to move out and that while, no, I won't throw him out on Christmas or anything, but I've never changed my mind since the other day. He's completely and utterly out of line over and over again. He's so similar to psycho girl that it blows my mind. Plus he pulls that thing that I've learned via experience is a very typical passive-aggressive maneuver. I lay in my bed, in my room, watching a program. He comes in and picks and picks and effectively starts a fight that I can't escape from since I a) didn't start it and b) haven't changed one iota in anything. I'm resting and trying to care for my body to keep the stress levels from sending me back into a hospital. He comes in and ... well, it just isn't healthy to have him living here as he's the most immature and brattish 59 year-old I've ever met. Probably the actor thing. I detest most of the actors I've met in real life. Totally wonderful on the surface, but it only takes a day or two for the mask to come off. If that long. Ugh.

The exhaustion just gets worse. Spoke with Tracy tonight and just ended up crying and sobbing for far too much of it. Must see Candice ASAP for sanity sake.

One more note about Tom's behavior before I try and shut up about him: Today he told me he had seen my little checked list from the Trader Joe's flyer and he would go for me if it would help. I had already asked him to pick up Ein's prescription from the Walgreen's so I said, sure, gave him the cash and told him it wasn't necessary, but it would be nice. He also asked me if we could hang out since it was Christmas Eve. He would make little bite sized things to eat and we could watch something. I said, sure, that sounded pleasant. I've realized that he still hasn't given me receipts and when I went around the apartment I couldn't find that he had put my receipts and any change out for me. Couldn't even find Ein's prescription. Why couldn't I ask him? Because he came into my room to tell me he was going to service at a church and when I asked him about filing my pill case as it's Saturday and he had a whole week's notice this time - he changed everything. Did he make time tonight when he returned? No. Have I seen a receipt yet? No.

I've told him that so long as he is here I expect him to continue to do his "job" but that I do want him gone, no matter what, by Monday evening. He is one of the worst roommates I've had in a while. His fits, his ego mania, his passive-aggressive behavior, his inappropriate behavior, his refusal to do several of the jobs listed in the ad, his blowing up and ... well, it goes on and on. His medical marijuana does not do anything to make him a truly nice person. Just like psycho girl he presents a great first impression that he can maintain for a short while before the reality of the mental instability becomes far too apparent and destructive to ignore.

Told Tracy tonight that I feel so very scared. So very much like I'm alone for the first time I can remember since ... high school? College? It's been a while. I guess not since 1989 or so have I felt so absolutely alone. And Steven can read this and laugh all he wants, but I feel as though I've lost all my friends. The people I have loved for decades, that I have cared about and given as much affection and appreciation as possible, no longer seem to have any room in their lives for me. My best friend in the world. The absolute best, Andrew, hasn't returned a call or an email in about two years. Daniel and Joey are both AWOL when it comes to me. Erica hasn't even thanked me for a gift I sent her. When I wrote to see if she had gotten it she merely wrote back to say she hadn't and she guessed she would have to contact them. Now a simple thanks would have been appropriate. I don't even know if she did get the credit I sent her as after that she sank out of sight again.

It feels so very hard to take on top of everything else. Until I met Shawn, my friends had always come first. I met Shawn and he became the closest friend in my life. Even when things around us were horrible, we managed to keep things from falling apart between us. But as I became more and more ill he became more and more distant and stand offish. Excepting when he would chase me from room to room with his attacks that were not my imagination, but were witnessed by others. His verbal attacks...he never protected me from them and maybe I should have realized that should mean something more than he was just a wuss about standing up for me, even when he told me he knew that he should. I guess that's all. I wrote, as usual, much more than I planned to. This new program I'm trying, ScribeFire on Chrome, lets me see how many words and characters I've typed. I'm up to close to 1000 words so that's seriously cut off time.


You know what? Have a really wonderful remainder of 2011. If you had a year similar to mine you'll be just as glad to see the end of the year. So may you have joy and happiness and love returned. And health, the best gift of all.