mollyblack (mollyblack) wrote,

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I'm Trying Every Day & In Every Way...

Having an especially painful day and night. At one point when I woke I kept pressing a bunch of paper towels to my mouth as retching kept me spitting into them every half minute or so. It may be yet another problem as it seems tied to my on again off again migraine.

Tracy called and she and Jerry are coming over around mid-afternoon. Makes me happy to have their company.

My wedding anniversary would have been Friday, had my ex not pushed so hard and suddenly for a divorce. A part of me detests and hates him for everything evil he has done. The lies that allow him to completely lie about so much that people who knew us together that I know believe he's delusional about our relationship.

His lies are the only thing that allow him to continue on the way he does. Even when he's behaved so horribly toward me that even he can't hide from it, he turns around and that becomes blocked memory. It hurts to have his mistreatment and emotional abuse get passive-aggressively turned around and attached to me. And while I acknowledge the things I did wrong, I do have heavy duty medications, multiple illnesses progressing slowly, and endocrine (and serious hormonal) issues creating full on havoc in me not only physically, but also so very emotionally as well.

It hurts because I hurt. He was my best friend. And I miss my best friend so very much. When I watch things there's so much that causes me to miss sharing that especial delight of finding new wonderful things together. Or sharing such finds with him and when we learned things and shared learned new data.

Can I ever find a more beautiful and talented and creative person filled with remarkable recyclical love and yet has more compassion and more understanding than my ex was capable of. His coldness was always a part of him. His cruelty progressed almost on par with my illness so that he turned into a person it became harder and harder to understand. A person who at times became impossible to love.
I'm pleased I managed to get my bluray player connected to both my monitor and the Internet. No more fighting with my 360 to keep Netflix connected. No more fighting with hdmi switching now I've actually got the three-way switched connected and working! I think I was in the midst of a bad mental fog when I first got it and tried it. But I'm managing to fight the pain and nausea and fog in order to see what of my chaos can get sorted.

Yay for "Futurama" on nights like this. Yay for pets who love me. Yay for Carl trying to come visit and Tracy and Jerry coming to visit me. Yay for finding out I most likely do have systemic lupus and the tests just missed it (which apparently can and does happen) so the red on my cheeks and chin is most likely a rash and only partly steroid flush. Ok, that last one was sarcasm. Yay for my Kindle keyboard replacement on its way to replace the current one - which has the keyboard missing almost all characters due to their having been rubbed off. Ok...back to resting and watching "Futurama" and eating cashews.

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