mollyblack (mollyblack) wrote,

I Feel Beyond Lost (plus sweetlings on video)

It's beyond sadness now. And I feel as if I have nowhere to turn. A neighbor has said that which others have said. That I should find a place for only myself and pay what I can to have help. But my doctors think I do need care. If I could afford a one-bedroom AND either a second or perhaps a studio next door to have my care still handled daily as necessary. Why oh why...

I started to write this to Will: "Or else I wouldn't have paid for your phone, lent you my Tablet, trust you with my car, & be buying a new heater just so you have one during this cold period. And no, I'm not asking for anything other than good care & respect in return." Why? Because his coldness and responses have me feeling weirded out. I desperately want to get approved for aid. It would make my helper paid which I would love very much to have my helper approved by the state after tests and all would also be background checked. Hope for no more psycho men or women or those who only wish to use me.

And then it almost seems as if he reads my mind: As I wrote the above paragraph Will came in and asked if he could get me anything. Did I want my instant mashed potatoes warmed up or maybe a piece of the banana bread he made the other night (and he had made it at my request - hmmm, I smell garlic!)? He ended up bringing me a warmed up piece of the yummy bread and an ice cream sandwich. Neither very large, but good for making certain I'm eating.

Perhaps my question earlier made him think? I asked him for help doing what can be done without data from Shawn I need and at first he didn't seem to comprehend and it almost seemed like we might fight - something we've never done because neither of us is antagonistic. But we didn't and he passed by later and I asked if he would tell me if he wanted to leave. He said "Yeah..." in his laconic way. So maybe tomorrow we can turn in everything I already have and then only have the things Shawn has to get to me to get to my social worker.

If he can't, Melissa has offered to help. She even gave me the number of a recommended disability lawyer. I'm hoping that my by now well documented slow creeping illnesses will be new enough data to get my disability case restarted. I also think Erica came across some new old medical records. I do know that the paperwork I have to turn in is several hundred pages. I want them to copy it all. I've also got my utility bills and bank statements ready to print. So with good care and assistance I hope a lot of people are correct and my care will be paid and my medical bills eased a bit. Well, if I get my case overturned in my favor I'll be able to pay ALL my debts. That would be wonderful. I've a Petal watching me - she wants treats gently plucked from between my fingers...


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