mollyblack (mollyblack) wrote,
mollyblack
mollyblack

ER Again Most Probably & Things I Ought To Keep Hidden, Perhaps.

The pain's ridiculously high on the one to ten scale. A nine to ten pretty consistently. Will has said if it keeps up he's taking me to ER because this is bad. As in very bad.

I've tried to contact my ex about various important items like taxes since we were married almost half of last year, and car insurance updates, and his cat, Lolita, Princess of Goth - does he want her as she seems to be missing him a lot, and so forth and I've yet to receive even one message in return.

If he's queer now I don't care. If he's still lying to others and himself about the "emotional blackmail" stuff I do care. It's amazing how phrases like that can trigger internal lies. I was told that by the suicide hotline guy my ex had been crying to when I returned to our home in Lower Haight. But I thought we worked past that together.

The irony is that he has twisted so many things (like our jointly agreed on purchases) that nobody, not even me - his best friend for about a decade - can tell what he has tricked himself and his new world since his emphatic break while I was dealing with physical collapse into believing. I only know it most likely doesn't mesh with reality. The people who saw us together at the end, who lived with us or spent large swathes of time with us, they've a very different viewpoint than those who merely heard one side or the other.

That hurts on another level. It's funny, but doctors who saw the situation from the time of our return to the Bay Area have variously said that he's a bastard or similar terms without very much from me other than "Nope, still no news and no responses." Their feelings, and others, effectively say the old adage that I'm better off without a person like him in my life. I'm not talking about my therapist here. I'm not going to say which of my doctors have said such things, though as in "A Scanner Darkly" there's not too many to choose from.

It would be easier if he hadn't started lying to himself. Well, easier for me because I might still have my best friend. But I'm thinking about him and all this because the pain's ridiculous and I'm trying to distract myself. I am off to play a game or two so I can try to not think about both my physical and my emotional pain. Both at high levels.

Aargh! and Ow!

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