Thinking dark thoughts because today was a really bad health day (again).

I hate being so freaking sick. I hate having to pay somebody to care for me. Especially I hate feeling like the $950+/month isn't appreciated.

Yet that's how I feel at times.

Frustrated. Sick. Sad.

Do people not realize that my paying their rent, utilities, some food or phone or extras every month works out to this:

20 hours a week = $11.85
30 hours a week = $7.90

Or really between $8 & $12

I should move into a one bedroom!!! This is nuts. I feel as though by the begrudging way my caregiver/assistants/roommates behave adds to my stress which adds to things causing me to feel worse. It sometimes even (like tonight) makes me feel like I'm getting screwed by people.

What am I thinking? If they get IHSS? That's like $22+ hour. For untrained help! Not one of these people has had any medical training. Not even CPR licensing I believe. I feel like the schmuck my mom says I am for handling things this way instead of just paying somebody. I'd be better off finding a roommate to pay their half of everything and paying them by the hours that they actually work.

Or by moving into a one bedroom. Even having all four pets. And finding a nearby neighbor like Melissa to assist me and paying hourly wage and texting her during emergencies. She likes walking my dogs with hers, for instance.

Today my left arm kept going numb on and off - all day. Very frightening. Very. Coupled with the weird skin problems noticed by Dr. Young that caused her to immediately say "Lupus."

I keep having to deal with things that by their application for the situation of being my assistant/caregiver/roommate, with my very spelled out list of needs, should fall under the province of my a/c/r.

Aargh. I'm out of my pain meds this coming Monday evening. Not a good situation to find myself in. Stress with low blood pressure does not bode well if not mastered. Why is everything wrong worse on my left side? Worse pain. Worse numbness. Neurologist question. Definitely.

Okay, need to rest my left arm. And consider sleep. Tomorrow looms.