Just received an email letting me know the ground floor one-bedroom I wanted had a person ahead of me who signed the lease on it.

The emotion it has brought up in me is unbelievably dark and despondent. It's truly shocking how much I wanted this space. I had not realized just how much it meant to me to get it.

Yeah, I'm crying fairly hard currently at the loss of more than just an apartment. It meant an attempt at independent living to some degree.

I don't know what my next movement should be. I guess I didn't really think I'd be staying here. I don't want to stay here, I guess. Like the ring and the tattoo this apartment was chosen so Shawn could move in with me. I'm trying to put so much of those things behind me.

I can't live on a top floor unit without needing so much more help. It sucks but I have to face the truth.

What should I do? I don't know. Really I feel kicked in the chest and it hurts incredibly. I can't afford to break my lease though perhaps my medical condition can help with the legal aspect of necessity? I'll have to see if anybody can assist me in finding out if I do have any rights as regards to that.

Seriously, I didn't expect to not get it and I didn't know just how much I'd put into it.