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James really and truly fucked up doing my medications for the week. He's now told me at 2am that he can't and won't handle this listed chore after telling me repeatedly he had a license in OH for dispensing pills.

Now I've got to try and do it myself at 2am and now I've got to seriously re-think whether or not this will work. I hate for this to be a deal breaker when I like him personally so very much. But it is listed as a necessary chore, Will managed it for nine months with no pill dispensing license, there's a printout for him to follow, and more that just makes it a serious problem.

I've got to do these pills now and I'm ready to have a nervous breakdown I've been holding off ever since Diane jumped and Will left and, fuck it, honestly since Shawn stopped talking to me. I'm holding in a huge amount of collapse that my back falling apart, my weight jumping to double, my teeth turning black, and so forth just has me ready to follow Diane. I won't. I can't do it that way. No lie but I'm not brave enough. Not even close.

I'm ready to scream but there's nowhere to safely do so. I'm about at the end of my tether. I'm so fucking wrecked and I push it down so nobody can see - this is my only outlet.

Yes I have two others I can respond to that are legitimate. But dammit. This sucks and I need some kind of help coping with it and my therapist doesn't have half the tools necessary that might help.

Screaming "HELP" in my journal is like a fly in a spiders web. Completely unheard by any and all.

i have found, that even as a religiously inert person, that reading tibetan buddhism stuff has helped me a lot. the places that scare you, by pema chondron is one of the best books i've ever read

otherwise maybe it is time to therapist or doctor shop? just, i dunno, i read everything you go through and how many unending paths there are (like the 'possible' lupus) and it seems like your doctors aren't doing everything they can in terms of getting you on the right meds to improve your quality of life vs just lengthening it.

i know at least for myself, one of the biggest problems i had in the diagnostic/treatment process was not having the -right- doctors for nearly a decade. like, for 10 years of skin lesions, brain lesions, bone lesions, high wbc, thrush, constant tachycardia, etc etc etc i had all these idiots who would look for the most common thing...i got diagnosed with every thyroid condition possible, lupus, being repeatedly every type of hepatitis, hiv, multiple sclerosis, the list is truly epic.

in the end (for me) it came down to really arbitrarily seeing the right doctor at the right time for something completely unrelated. he was subbing for my dermatologist who was on maternity leave and while he read through my chart quickly to get an idea of who i was and what was up, stopped midway through, pretty much turned white as a sheet and apologized on behalf of the hospital for years of fucking up my care (masto often first manifests in the skin so dermatologists are often the first ones to make the call even though we usually end up seeing oncologists for primary care). he then ordered the right blood/urine/skin biopsies and *BAM* right diagnosis, right treatment, referrals to the right doctors, everything. i mean, it sucks because i have a shitty disease and will never get better, but we're totally on the path toward improving quality of life vs simply cherry picking what symptoms to treat vs which ones to ignore which was very obviously what was going on with my old doctors, and sadly something i think most people with chronic or multiple health issues go through
Livejournal somewhat has "dried" up over the years, however, hopefully it helps just throwing thoughts, ideas out there into the vast open. The world. I've been reading along, and sending you good energy...