mollyblack (mollyblack) wrote,

It's Never As You Think

Second time throwing up this week and having mini-blackouts adds to my feeling that the isolation I'm currently in the midst of isn't so bad after all.

I couldn't handle going to Diane's memorial for several reasons. Same with not confronting Melissa. Same with Tracy's unbelievably hurtful remark. It kind of lends it all to making me wish heartily I'd taken Chip's offer and used TAM funds for a different cause.

Throwing up, blacking out to a point where I only wake up after cold Glucerna pours out on me, stress levels through the roof from serious and not created major trauma events, and it all looks like a continuous adrenal crisis. The shot helped a bit, but obviously not enough.

To merely write that I yearn for somebody to swoop into my life and take care of me with love, compassion, and a sense of humor both intelligent and giggle-inducing barely touches on the strong sense of need I'm feeling. A caregiver is one thing; a partner and muse and protector is another.

Protector. Yeah, I'd appreciate somebody like that in my life. Maybe with children already? Could I make a good stepmom? I like to think so. But when days like today occur I need more protection than would allow me to be a good protector myself.

My pain levels jumped from six to nine today. Tears streaming down my face from my upper back and my right arm. It's incredibly hurtful.

Thus today made a perfect example of how the love of my sweetlings keeps me going. Their need of me helps incredibly. Lolita with her eye and hair loss, Ein with her nervousness of unknown bangs, Femme Pois with her back now clearing up due to our home treatments, and Petal with her need for discipline and training while surrounded by love.

Finished "Prison Wives" and started "Heavy". I'm wondering if they'll deal with any medication based weight gain or if it will all be eating disorder centric.

Selling my HP Tablet with all it's accessories in order to put that all toward a slightly upgraded iPad. Surprised myself with the decision, but my electronics use has me wanting a tablet that works with my iPhone and my PowerBook. So hopefully somebody will see my Amazon combo sale. Though maybe a straight Buy it now on eBay will work better?

Which reminds me that I had a very severe and realistic nightmare starring my mother. I woke up feeling as if we'd really been together and the sound of her voice and look of .. I don't know what ... on her face as she came towards me just either stemmed from my stress levels or added. I don't know. Just bad bad bad. And the arm and shoulder are screaming at me so no more typing for a while. Ow ow ow.


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