The first email I receive from Shawn in almost eight or so months is this past few days ago and it's to inform me that his rent has been raised so he needs to cut back on my alimony monthly payment to the original agreement (which I've had person after person say I need a lawyer about since I was very out of my head at the time from medication and health problems and thought I was agreeing to different terms) and I need to cover the car insurance.

The past few days I've been even further out of my head from all the stress and trauma and he sends me the alimony payment later than usual and it hits me as I look at it that all told it's $600 less per month which is what I pay in COBRA - something I'd always thought he had said he would pay from our mediated financial meeting. So I'm laying in bed, sick beyond belief, wondering if I should follow Diane after all.

Nobody wants to read that and if your first response is you want to have me locked up for my own good, DON'T. At least not yet.

I'm in huge pain and I feel incredibly alone currently. I know I have friends out there in the world, but my ex-husband is also my ex-best friend and times like these lately make me yearn for more than I think I'll ever have again.

Asked James yesterday on our way back from Lafayette and Concord if Shawn would still be with me if he still did retail. If I hadn't helped massage his ego to this monster sized one I constantly get slapped with would we have been poorer but happier together? The person who swore no matter how sick I became that he would be by my side helping me through it, would he still exist? Who swore I was enough no matter what, would he have more humility and would he have never become so emotionally abusive that I'd hurt myself just to get away?

I told James I knew there's no real answer and that questioning such things gets nobody anywhere. But it's hard at times like these, where I'm so sick I've been needing more Cortef shots than usual and my financial situation has become fairly nightmarish and my medical expenses are looming over me looking ready to crush me and six weeks in the hospital in 2012 means nothing to a person I thought was a much better person than he turned out to be to maintain a cheerful mien and not follow Rachel and Diane in that lemming like leap off the Golden Gate.

I won't. At least not now. I'm going to call disability to beg for whatever kind of help I can get. To not have to pay COBRA anymore would be a step in a good direction. But i have no idea where to start other than to call my case manager and beg for assistance. No point getting a lawyer yet.

The fear is not a misguided feeling. Both financial and health are real and factual major problems. I do not exaggerate what does not need it. My teeth, the Addison's, the numb part of my left knee, my hips and lower back, and so on are all severe and severe stressors.

My medical bills, my caregiver expenses, the beloved pets, and now the car and less monthly income by nearly the exact amount of my health insurance costs and the dental expenses of "thousands and thousands" are all piled up quite realistically. At least my personal debts are still in a tolerable range though needing clothes to fit has raised that as has needing a new couch when the old one died. Anyway, this too is more than I can handle, though I've tried before this news came from the silent ex. This news just helps to hurt me more.

Because I'm just oh so lucky. I'm hopeful of a beautiful day and help from my social worker aid woman at social security or where ever my case is and a visit from a beautiful friend to watch more of the very funny "Community" and maybe just maybe some good news from someone _anywhere_ that means struggling to survive can be made to happen. I can hope. And I can seriously wish. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I got approved for disability and IHSS and even food stamps? Because my medical expenses are so heavy those things aren't luxuries - definitely necessities.

Okay. Enough of this. Time to eat a yogurt to bounce my medications into.

Hugs welcomed. In person hugs are even better. And I'm not in danger of being a lemming. At least not yet.