Went to Souley Vegan with James last night and to The Fillmore for the Comedy Central taping of Amy Sch? I can't remember her last name and I'm hurting too much to dig around for it. Anyway, James drove and we picked up Mel. I took them out to the Taco Bell before rolling on up to the small but growing line. Wheelchair and cane moved us to the front and got Mel a chair of her very own.
Driving through my old neighborhood was slightly painful. There's where I lived across from Josh with Aba trying every so often to patch up a friendship and Grace would shake her head at what I would tolerate. That's the roof where Paul photographed me in one of our shoots. There's where I did my 6am party with Christopher and others. Hell, that's where I ran into Kurt in yet another of our 25 year intertwined cosmic bumps. That's where I saw a friend fall out his window whilst I was coming down off an acid trip. And so on...
It just bubbles down low so it seems like it can't hurt anymore. But Diane just brought so much to the surface and I can't push it back down. Down that hill is where Fidelia hung herself on her bedroom door and Daniel had me move in that room upon my return from the UK. It's like my head is trapped in these echoes and I desperately need somebody to love and protect me as I become more ill because it's too scary doing this by myself. Today I had pain and sweats and heart palpitations and this weird ear infection thing and yet I still got dressed up in a dress James picked out for me as "really cute." I added Mylinn's shawl and my first mother-in-law's rhinestone necklace, and wondered why I had dead friend's accoutrements as my first choice. Some red lipstick and, while I'm fat and in a wheelchair, I was ready to go out to see why I'm here.
At least not yet.
My ear's bleeding again. The stretched part, not the canal part. Sigh. Huge, heavy sigh. The pain in my arms and stomach and tailbone and so forth has me worn down. But I'm still not a lemming.
Again, at least not yet.