I really like Shana. Seriously. She's very knowledgable about our shared adrenal insufficiency condition. She, like me, has lost much due to her struggle with it. While I lost my house, husband, career, and so forth, she lost a successful career in the entertainment industry and other things that perhaps don't equal the devastating extent of mine but it's not really a pissing match of who lost more. Loss of things that matter most, like family, friends, self pride gathered from a successful career, and even an onslaught of self loathing brought on by a double in weight from life sustaining steroids all add up to the same thing: loss of self which can take years to regain. If ever.
So when she behaved tonight in an utterly neurotic and attacking behavior I was double whammied by her both blatant disregard for my quiet movements by stating I was slamming dishes and doors in the kitchen when I hadn't touched any dishes and I even open and closed the pantry doors to show her their silence.
I've never had a single other roommate mention loud sounds in that bedroom from the house excepting one who slept lightly and therefor used ear plugs to sleep.
The worst part was her claiming she hasn't been able to sleep for nights because of alleged noise. My new friend, Chris, has come over three times. And every time I've kicked him out at midnight OR he had to leave by midnight to bike the six miles home to meet a friend (the night she just claimed he was here until 1:30am, an impossibility due to his leaving here in order to meet a friend from Sausalito). She repeated her claim over and over and it's an issue of he said-she said and I'm not looking forward to our talk.
Especially after my endoscopy and sigmoidoscopy - IF they can even do them since the Dulcolax pills haven't kicked in yet. And I think she effectively, it sounds stupid but, stole my car yesterday. She's not permitted to drive it for her own things, especially as she owns her own car which is currently taking up my parking space and has been basically since her first week here.
So there's a lot I'm not happy about and I guess if it comes to it and she tells me she wants to leave it will not be that big a loss. I mean, she leaves candles burning 24-7 and hasn't put sheets on the bed that I loaned her - not even pillow cases! Just disgusting coming from a woman who told me she believes they should be changed weekly. Anyway...
There's definitely things about me she could kvetch about. However I did loan her $100- cash to help her out. Granted it was literally for two hours. But it was more than I can afford to risk but I trusted her enough to do so. And there's another good part of her that I would miss: I do believe she's trustworthy. I do believe her heart is in a good space. But should a woman who goes to sleep every night at 10pm live and care for one who must take her last medications at 12am? Possibly not.
And a part of me says definitely not if it brings a very neurotic aspect out into her personality. One that doesn't look at reality. How can I get her to understand that she either misread her clock? In fact I just remembered! She came to me and said she thought he was still here when he had left an hour or so before! I'm hoping she will remember that when I remind her because otherwise it can't continue for either of us.
In fact, after she came out tonight to complain about my non-existent dish moving I heard her come out again as if to say something about what I think she was imagining hearing, only to discover tv on low, me with my bad hip and leg elevated and watching the subtitles. So she turned and went to the toilet. What will I do if she threatens to leave or just tells me she is leaving?
Look for a different situation. Possibly look for a one bedroom somewhere with a yard for the dogs and a parking spot nearby and preferably on the ground floor with no stairs. MAYBE repost the ad. Maybe not.
But I'm getting tired of neurotics and psychotics. Erica and Will: two years and nine months respectively. James almost lasted three, Neuroptik four. There's been a smattering of others that I've either booted, mutually booted, or been shocked by a sudden disappearance of. Psycho older letch, psycho hot chick, and James respectively fitting those descriptions.
My phone's about to die so I'm off from the living room to my bedroom. To say that Shana has let me down in both her abuse of my trust and her neurotic behavior has me feeling fairly upheavaled would be short in depth of description. I WANT things to work out, but I don't want my car being used for a second job without my permission and I don't want to feel taken advantage of or taken for granted. Having just had that situation with James I don't need to jump right into it again.
Please let me be wrong and for tomorrow to bring a better outlook in both of us, maybe even apologies. If she can recognize her neurosis and her misreading of the clock and apologize then we can move forward and I can apologize for...well, what? For not knowing my quiet movements in the kitchen area keep her awake? I can't apologize for things I'm unaware of and for her to behave in a passive-aggressive manner can't tell me what's wrong for real. Chris has never stayed past 12:30 in any of his three visits. She could have come out any time to say something, but didn't until now and then had the attitude that it's my fault she can't sleep.
Ugh. I'm getting worked up, and stupidly at that. Time to charge the phone and hope those tabs work to clear me out before the next cleansing process before my two procedures. Lucky me!