mollyblack (mollyblack) wrote,

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Where Next?

I'm not certain today's positivity will translate through, but I tried. :-)

There's a part of me that thinks a studio or one-bed that's on the ground floor with a yard or nearby access to a yard is my next residence. Or maybe a roommate situation, no live-in caregiver. A house with a yard for the dogs.

Deal with my caregiver on an hourly basis instead of a live-in. Have the TV to myself when I want. Not feel like I have to share every single piece of dessert, every sip of soda, or every single medicinal mary jane hit.

Do I need to live with my caregiver? No.

Should I continue to suffer through this poverty and feel as though whomever I live with I have to protect from ending up on the street? Gah! Of course not!

Will I? Depends.

Today I feel like I accomplished more than I've done in ages, even though it's not true. Handled domain privacy, renewal, email renewal, saw my therapist, realized I was totally too drugged by the methadone to realize that the divorce decree could have shown the car belongs to me and the debt belongs to Shawn and thus could have gotten the mortgage, spoke to three different civil offices in Texas, scheduled tomorrow's Paratransit, and basically was more clearheaded. It feels good.

But even though my suicidal ideation has abated for days at a time this past week, I still feel the overwhelming nature of the day after tomorrow. My lease ends at the end of the month and I can not survive on the money I receive and my roommate and I are having serious difficulties staying civil, and my teeth are seriously in need of thousands of dollars for getting my front top teeth pulled and dentures to replace them, and I won't be able to afford my pain medication unless something changes, and so on.

Yet the ideation has started dropping in continuity which feels so fantastic, I have received a few donations that have helped me through periods of no money for food, and the Suboxone seems to be really working.

So good versus bad versus good, kinda?

Finding a new place, less expensive, or a new roommate, a bill payer versus a caregiver, or something... a different roommate situation just in general could be better for me. I'm starting to write more, work on my videos with small scripts (for now), and focus on the positives. I want to work on what little skill I might have, to see where I can take my crazy real life stories, to take my oral tradition (that makes people tell me to write) and maybe shine a bit again.
Tags: accomplishments, moving, planning, the future

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