mollyblack (mollyblack) wrote,
mollyblack
mollyblack

Why?

Okay, watching a lot of stuff when I'm not re-reading my Discworld novels. Julian Assange is super hot (physically, mind you). Seriously, what is my fascination with slender, brilliant men that have a feminine side?

Shawn still has the wedding ring and it's weird because many people around me (four people particularly) keep telling me to sell mine since I need money and Shawn's never coming back and he's effectively ruined my life by leaving me with no health insurance when I desperately need it. He could have stayed married to me to help me, while still living where he does now. So do I sell it? I don't know.

Watching a lot of movies that are either brand new or ones I've wanted to rewatch for a long time. But watching the wonderful "Slaughterhouse Five" based on the book of the same title but with the subheading "The Children's Crusade" I wonder why do we always mock the French as "surrender monkeys," when Italy had Mussolini at the same time? Or Japan? Our memories are so short. The bombing of Dresden...we're horrible sometimes. Truly horrible. I mean people are horrible to people like me, disabled, and we're supposed to be the GOOD people. The caring people. So why hate socialized medicine or help for people like me? Why?

Even with the hideous things that people have done within the past 100 years it's horrible how badly the populous doesn't remember. Though there was a good joke I saw on either the Daily Show or The Colbert Report about how short are collective memories are when he discussed why our minds don't recall our whole problem with Iran starting when we deposed one of their leaders to install a USA puppet, then there were the hostages, etc. etc. Why?

Started Clonidine Hcl last night. I'm sitting up right now, but my body hurts so much. My stomach is still pretty sensitive. But I'm trying to just to be happy, or at least content - with my friends helping. I do feel very isolated and alone since the pain is pretty bad, my fibro, my back surgery, my sciatic nerve on the left side of my body? All of it BAD. But Carl, Melissa, and even Steven have really reached out to me. Things with Raul aren't good, but I'm biding time until I can move. But the question is where to?

And really, why all the suffering? Why? Not just mine, which is personal, but the whole thing. I wish I could write as well as Vonnegut. I wish I could write as well as most of the people I look up to. Is that what stops me from finishing anything? The knowledge that maybe I'm not good enough to ever get published, even with all my experiences that make great stories? Am I a failure because I haven't tried hard enough? 

Tags: medical stuff, medications, miserable, pain, struggles
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