mollyblack (mollyblack) wrote,

Misery Totoro Icon True Currently

I'm beyond depressed. PTSD, when it kicks in, can be a mind killer. And the accident I was just in has me beyond stressed. The body shock was bad enough, but to get hit on the rear, when turning onto a street only two blocks from my house, and have the adjuster say they think that it's 70% my fault, has me nearly ready to over medicate, if only I wasn't fighting that suicidal ideation so strongly.

Melissa's extremely worried I'm going to follow in Diane's footsteps, not by following her off the Golden Gate Bridge perhaps, but by falling back into that mindset and performing serious self-harm. I am suffering and I do feel alone, but I know that isn't true and if I begged a friend to come over and hold me, they would.

At least I would like to believe that is the case.

I'm scared to drive. I'm scared to keep the car and I'm also afraid to give it up. I'm afraid my insurance rates are going to soar. I'm terrified that somebody is going to hit me and I'm going to be found at fault incorrectly again. I'm SCARED. PTSD, once again, can be a mind killer. It can also just be a killer from the stress and fear overload. Things stop firing properly.

I wish I could just sleep next to John, the person who tells me everything. I wish I could feel safe with Leslie, the woman who cuddled me last night whilst we watched TV. I wish Melissa would come over and rescue me from myself. Because I need rescuing right now.

I walked the dogs to get them their shampoo and conditioner and treats that are healthy for their "hips and bones" and even a fresh box of Capstar. Now they're clean and should be flealess for at least a little while. I need two loads of laundry done but my back isn't ready for that exercise yet. I'm trying to distract myself and take care of things, but I feel overwhelmed by the fear even as I think of the dogs and how clean they smell and fresh they look (Ein rolls around like a madman and seeing her white and red actually clean is nice while it lasts). I can't leave them. I can't.

This is rough and yet I'm going to share it, because lying about your head space only makes you feel more isolated. I can't lie or hide this because then maybe Melissa will be right. And I can't do that to her. To John. To Bridget. To Steven. To my dogs. There's actually so many people that I would hurt. Wound. I wouldn't mean it to, but it would and that's the mantra I need to repeat over and over until I get up tomorrow and do some errands and not let the fear rule me.

Tomorrow: Take video of the intersection. See if I can find any other witnesses. Melissa and I had a talk about how dangerous it was just two days before my accident. At the very least I want to see about getting the city to fix that light issue so there's a left turning light for safety sake. There's more. Lots. Pick up upgrade disc from Apple Store and take PowerBook in to see if it's worth trying to save. Pay parking tickets from Star Trek: TNG night at Leslie's. Go through pile of papers to see what's urgent. Pay other bills I missed. Buy more seltzer. See movies with John OR maybe hit Cat Club Friday night. Not both. See movie this weekend with Steven. Melissa's going on vacation for two weeks so make sure to see her for at least a little bit. Maybe she'll video the opposite side of the lights if I convince her.

I wish I had somebody to hold me right now, but I'm not going to ask a friend at midnight to come over so I'll just have to not stress while stressing.
Tags: car accident, fear, fear creation, loneliness, ptsd, sadness, stress!, struggles, suicidal

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