?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Recent Entries Friends Archive Profile Twitter Feed Tags
 
 
 
 
 
 
I think that it is interesting that I feel ready to move forward at the same time as I feel trapped where I am. A two hour talk with Canika pointed the way to things I need to change in order to continue my journey out of the darkness I feel surrounding me now.

Production company name created. A couple different script ideas percolating away. I find it so hard to focus for any amount of time. The fog is part of this illness, and this far in it seems like it has taken so much away from me. Don't think that there isn't self awareness about my own complicit behavior in the past. But that "sin" seems much less to me than the damage caused by those who, perhaps without even knowing they did so, took advantage and/or damaged me further.

The sin of somebody like Shawn or Erica seems worse when looked back upon with some faint clarity. The "evil" of Adrian comes off more clearly with his whole knowledge and manipulation.

Anyway, this week is busy. My life, for all I'm too sick to really fully recognize it, is currently busier than it's been in a while. My friends are all around me. I sit on my back porch, the dogs with me, a cup of PG Tips on the table to sip, and the white noise of the freeway counterpointed by the screeching of the parent birds feeding their babies. Melissa stopped by, my neighbor Paul caught up a little with me, my downstairs neighbor said hi.

Katreya takes me to see Laibach on Saturday. Today Mark comes over to maybe start recording an outline with me. Tomorrow I pick out my teeth for my new top dentures (yay fangs at Ricky Gervais levels!) at UCSF and maybe meet a new person. Friday is up in the air. Sunday is GoT (of course) and maybe Fairyland with Joclyn and Michael and his son.

And all the while I'm debating what to do with my "next act." Do I move to Cleveland? Do I sell almost everything I have and go help on the farm in Tennessee (and live in a trailer with my dogs, and maybe a new cat)? Do I try to stay here and find a renter and work on this movie with Mark? Do I throw myself into becoming a "guru" of how to cut opioids out of your life? How I got myself off them and thus could get myself off steroids, because the link between heavy opioid use, even prescribed for massive pain, and adrenal shutdown is real and can kill you?

Paul was talking about the idea of our next act, which I resonated with, partially because I watched an episode of "Always Sunny" over again last night that talks about second acts. But I told him we are heading into our "third acts." As we round toward 50 (he's not even a year younger than me), him with his landscaping business, and me with my illness keeping me from doing a job I would love to do (so many options for those with my background in different businesses), what does somebody do next?

And so I'll ask friends of friends to look at a couple of houses for me in Cleveland, and I'll write the outline for a short movie with Mark, and I'll start selling bits and pieces to make room (I can live with less than I have, really, it's just difficult to begin). I'll visit with friends (or they'll visit with me). I'll play with my dogs. I'll continue to write and work on the stories and scripts and musical pieces and photography. And then I'll see what June and July bring.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Your not alone. Take each day as it comes.
I know I am not alone. In fact some days I even realize that I am far less alone in some ways than ever before because of my openness to people met online. Livejournal, back in the day, was an extension of that, but it's weird, because OKCupid has to some extent brought at least a few good people into my life, as friends.

And then there's Katreya ... who makes me feel alone and loved, all at the same time.

Thank you for your words of support...I need to catch up with you.